Quite often I spend sessions with clients reflecting on what we tolerate in our lives. It’s interesting to hear that people from different backgrounds with different lives and careers tolerate very similar things.
It got me thinking.
What does tolerance actually mean? And what does it make us do? Or not do?
Dictionary.org defines tolerance as follows: “A willingness to accept behaviour and beliefs that are different from our own, although we might not agree with or approve of them” (and there are several other similar definitions).
The thought that occupied my mind the most was “is being tolerant a good or bad quality to have then?”
I believe that in order to look at answering that question you’d have to distinguish between tolerating “behaviour” and “beliefs”.
Tolerating beliefs can be a strength that generates opportunities for dialogue, discussion and debate. It can be seen as the basis of respect for someone whose beliefs are different than yours. But there’s a different approach to tolerance when we’re purely looking at behaviour and situations.
I know plenty of people who are miserable in their jobs, who have a supervisor or manager that they don’t get on with; they have colleagues who bully, manipulate or humiliate them; they hate their morning commute on the bus. They are all situations that we tolerate; it costs us energy on a daily basis.
Maybe there are some smaller situations in our lives that we tolerate as well. A crack in a window that’s been there for a while and always causes a draft; a broken handle on the kitchen cabinet; that last moving box in the garage that still is unpacked; a stain on the carpet; a broken zipper in our favourite jacket; and the list goes on and on…
When we tolerate situations in our lives we sometimes forget that we have a choice to do so. Obviously it’s a lot easier to choose to have your window fixed than to confront your colleague about their behaviour; but both of those start with our choice to take action.
The choice to take action to stop tolerating certain situations in our life is directly related to our standards. Are we tolerating certain situations because we have low standards?
Think about it. If a colleague’s behaviour is negatively affecting you, you’re probably tolerating it because you feel that you can’t change it. And you’re right, you can’t change their behaviour, but you CAN change YOUR standards.
You choose your standards in life. Don’t want to live with a broken window? Fix it. Don’t want to look at a stain on the carpet? Have it steam cleaned. Broken zipper? Get it mended. Unpacked box? Unpack it.
And even for the “bigger” situations in life, the same rule applies. Crappy colleague? Tell them you won’t tolerate their behaviour anymore; take the necessary steps to address their behaviour within your organisation.
If you’re now thinking something along the lines of “that’ll be a waste of time, nothing will change” than accept that you are tolerating a situation and it’s costing you energy. If nothing is changing, nothing is changing. Maybe it’s time to change jobs.
Have a critical look at which situations you tolerate in your life; on a daily basis and how much energy is spent on them. Remember that it is your choice to tolerate them. Is it time to stop?
