We’ve all been there, that feeling of wanting to have (or obtain) what someone else is getting. Whether it happened to us when we were 6 and our sibling was given more attention by our parents; or when we were 19 and our “big crush” was suddenly dating someone else; we’ve all experienced that same icky feeling at some point in our lives. An instant sting inside that is completely uncomfortable and drives us to do unexpected things that are not part of our usual behavioural patterns.
Jealousy.
We know jealousy is an emotion that everybody feels; and because of that we’ve accepted it for what it is; and we have become incredibly good at avoiding it, because us humans don’t like feeling uncomfortable. And how have we learned to avoid it? That’s right, by blaming others for doing that exact thing that made us jealous. We externalise all responsibility for feeling that way. We blame the sibling for stealing our parent’s attention away and we blame our crush’s new date for being in the picture. Sounds about right, doesn’t it?
But is it right too?
Aren’t we all responsible for our own emotions? What makes us feel any emotion (like joy, sadness or guilt) is very individual; not every person responds emotionally the same way to the same situation or trigger. How we feel is because of our perception of that situation. And how we perceive anything really, has to do with our values and beliefs. So since jealousy is an emotion, odds are that what makes me jealous, doesn’t make everybody jealous. In the end, it’s really up to ourselves to deal with our emotions: including jealousy.
What is Jealousy and what is it not?
As mentioned, jealousy is an emotion that should not be confused with envy. Jealousy is an emotion that comes up when we perceive that someone else has what we want (or feel that we need) in order to meet our expected level of happiness, security or success. When we talk about jealousy there is generally speaking a third party involved and we perceive a situation (or other person’ behaviour) as a threat to something that is dear to us. Quite often, besides wanting “that thing” that the other person has, we also want that other person not to have it.
When we speak of envy, we experience a feeling of “we want something someone else is having” but there is no threat involved. And also, we’d be more than happy for that other person to continue having that thing. Whatever it may be: money, love, friendship, a job, a new look, etc.
Just like many other emotions, jealousy can manifest in different behaviours and other emotions. Sometimes when people are sad, they cry. But crying can also occur when we feel happy. So again, how we act due to a feeling, is different for everyone. The feeling of jealousy can drive us to be obsessive and controlling or generate a feeling of anger. Since these are not generally seen as “wanted” behaviours or emotions we tend to avoid them, and do the blame game.
Another tricky thing about jealousy is that the perceived threat doesn’t even have to be real. What we see as a threat can easily be a misunderstanding or an exaggeration. But even though the threat might not be real, the uncomfortable feeling most definitely is and it can drive us bonkers!
How to manage jealousy?
Unfortunately the best way to manage any negative or unwanted emotion is to stop avoiding it. In order to have complete control over our emotions we have to face them. In order to manage that highly irritating and uncomfortable feeling, we have to address it; either with ourselves or with our partner (if the threat is directly related to a relationship).
When we address a feeling we think about it; we let our mind wander to the “why am I feeling this way?” question. Odds are our first response to that (when we’re new to addressing our feelings) is that we go directly to that other person again. Stop yourself doing that, because they are not the problem; they are not the cause. The cause of your feeling of jealousy is your perception of that threat. What are you afraid of? What are you afraid of losing? What is your worst-case scenario? Is there any evidence that my perception is real? Can I change my perception? When you can answer these questions you’ll find yourself in a better position to address the feeling in a more positive, less uncomfortable way.
A fear of rejection, losing a loved one, being alone, being abandoned is most often the cause of jealousy in romantic relationships. Feeling jealous is common and completely normal, but what you do with that feeling is up to you. It’s your choice to resist it, and show obsessive behaviour or see it as a strategy where your mind is communicating that something in the relationship needs work.
Sometimes we feel jealous in non-romantic relationships. And this is when there is most likely a different emotion besides fear that is causing the feeling; like grief or loneliness. When you see your friend and their mother having a great time you may be sadly reminded of the intense pain of losing your own mother. Or when your boss is not giving you any praise for doing hard work, but they are recognising your co-workers efforts, being jealous can make you feel sad or overlooked.
Emotions are part of our lives and some of them have a very negative “reputation” but when we address our emotions with curiosity and interest, we may come to realise that even the negative or unwanted emotions only exist because they are trying to tell us something. When we listen to them instead of avoiding them, we may experience them a lot less.
